We have all been there. Have we ever. The figurative gas can is in your right hand and the match is in your left. With heavy heart and heavy hand you prep to splash the accelerant all over the well structured, painstakingly-built bridge. The smoke from the flaming embers stings your eyes as you triumphantly walk away from the tenuous relationship/partnerships/business venture. Of course, participants, this is mere vivid imagery.
In a utopian moment of clarity I would like to explain why burning any bridge is out of the question as the world shrinks to Twitter size. With the rapidly shrinking landscape, rise of social media, and the overpowering effects good old fashion word-of-mouth, a strained bridge needs to be placed under construction. If we truly examine these moments, miscommunication—and the subsequent hurt feelings—are often the root cause for the breakdown in most professional and personal relationships.
Meaning to start a lively discussion here on BPB, here are some thoughts avoiding relationship demolition.
Don’t personalize or internalize: In times of stress, insults and personal attacks are easily tossed around. A guessing game of who’s who could leave you as the one to blame. It is critical to not take it personally. Stand firm in your abilities and competence. Do not allow those all-intensive unkind words or actions of another to crack your self worth.
Listen to Mom ("If don’t have anything nice to say, don’t just sit next to me—shut your mouth dear"): When a relationship has taken a turn, take the high road. Exercise maturity and avoid bad mouthing the other party. In direct communication with your nemesis ("Newman!"), keep to the facts and keep the past where it belongs…in the past.
Operate with humility: Understand that we are all humans and as humans we are prone to errors. A simple apology when you are “mistaken” (notice that is not wrong) goes a long way. Also as fallible creatures, we often forget the value of a genuine appreciative phrase. A well-placed “thank you” can get you out of many a pickle.
We may meet again factor: If the smooth it over fairy does not sprinkle magical dust over the strained relationship, bear in mind you may just meet again. In this rapidly shifting marketplace, the sides of the boardroom often flip flop.
Value time: It is much easier to mend a fence when you make yourself available and open to constructive discussions. Yeah construct something worth saying and then say it...
Practice, practice, practice all the way to Carnegie Hall, y'all: Professional and personal relationships take a ton of effort. There is no true science to salvaging connections gone awry. Maybe this post will spark self-evaluation instead of the flames around failing bridges. We would love to hear your feedback on reconstructing/repairing bridges. Are there some you'd rather light up? We're @laermer and @badpitch
Good points. It can be difficult to not personalize or internalize critique, especially if it plays out publicly (on social media). I think, in the short term, it's better to say nothing rather than risk adding fuel to the fire. Wait until you've calmed down and can look at the situation rationally to respond.
ReplyDeleteAs for the "we may meet again" factor, you are dead-on! I am a PRSSA mentor and advisor. Recently a student that I was helping thanked me and asked why I do it. I just laughed and said, "Who knows? A few years down the line, it may be you doing the hiring and me looking versus the other way around!" It is a small world after all--and seems to keep getting smaller :)
Over the course of my career, I've always practiced exactly what you write here, however, today, I read Julien Smith's 7 pointers about how to do the best work of your life (http://inoveryourhead.net/how-to-do-the-best-work-of-your-life/). He suggests that provoking controversy, taking a stand and moving on will lead you to greater work.
ReplyDeleteWhile at first reading your points and his seem polar opposites, he doesn't say that one need be disagreeable, unpleasant or inflammatory.
What are your thoughts about his points when taken into consideration with yours?